The Beginning

For months now I have been threatening to start this blog.  Procrastination is an art form which I believe I have mastered.  Initially, I believed it was because I didn't know what to write, many ideas were circling through my mind and I had several items drafted and ready, yet still my finger just wouldn't click that button.  

As I held my hook and yarn today it occurred to me that perhaps my reluctance was because it would mark the end of an era.  It would be the acceptance of what has passed and also an admission that we were embarking on a new chapter. More than anything I didn't want this to be a sad occasion, something tinged with regret and 'what ifs'.  Today the sun shines and the birds twitter in the trees at the end of the garden, it is one of those peaceful moments where I realise I am ready. 

So, here I am.  There isn't much to tell I am a 30-something mother-of-two, wife and yarn addict. I sit down a lot, this is in part related to my yarn habit but mostly because of nerve damage from the L5/s1 joint in my spine and into my legs. Simply put, I can waddle a little but have an inconvenient habit of falling over if left upright for a few minutes! Stairs are my natural enemy. This leaves me in chronic pain, sometimes worse than others as amongst the array of additional 'pain' conditions I also have fibromyalgia - for anyone who hasn't heard of this it is unknown what causes the condition to start but once it does you tend to feel like you have been hit by several buses on a daily basis.  I am fortunate to have met a number of good doctors who have helped me to manage these though and there are many far worse of.  My reason for starting to share was not to ask for sympathy however, it was to share how I found a way to cope on the worst days. 

Dark days, the worst of the worst.  Treated for many years for classic depression and anxiety, when the nerve damage occurred I found myself lost in a desperately lonely and frightening emotional state.  I love my children and husband deeply, for months I tried to hide my pain, I taught myself to walk in a way that hid the pain each step caused me and push down the fear that was building inside me.  When this all came to a head in 2016, I could see no way out.  A burden to my husband, my children left with a mum who couldn't work and my family with the added financial pressures this could mean the darkest of dark thoughts crept in.  I survived, of course, on my worst days this was one stitch at a time. 

Which leads me to my beginning, a stitch. A hook and some yarn in hand I began making hats, blankets, mittens, if it could be made I would be on it! On my worst days I would be focusing on getting one more stitch done, then maybe a row...or two. Then someone would be home to distract me.  As I have managed to control some of the monsters in under my bed, I came to realise what a powerful thing this yarn had become.  It had saved me! As I sat digesting the diagnosis of personality disorder, anxiety disorder and PTSD alongside my lost mobility; my hands were furiously creating.  I love colour, the shock of green in the melting snow or the red of a poppy in a grass verge, no matter what the world threw my way I was sharing colour, brightening the dark on my own. 

Talking to my best friend about this led us to form 'Wired Woollies' our own little social gathering where each week we share our news, gossip and moans over a table covered in colour.  We met people wanting to learn and we taught them, celebrating each finished project and cooing over new yarns.  As we got to know one another we learnt that we each had a reason to create, whether it was a way to challenge social anxiety, work our hands to cope with MS or to relax and make new friends; yarn pulled us together.  We learnt that diagnosis or not everyones' mental health benefits from the gentle rhythm of a pattern or the distraction that a challenging pattern can bring.  I began to want to share this with more people, to show the world it is OK to have bad days (where I shall vlog rather than write) and that one stitch, one beautiful colour palette or one proud reveal can help bring you back from the dark.  We each have our own torch to light somehow, I hope I can pass you a match ♡♡